I don’t want a flame, I want a FIRE.

My Flame Has Become a Fire

If you read my previous postI Hear You, Holy Spirit. , you are aware of the darkness I was recently in. It’s something I call “My Black Abyss”.

I’m sorry…I am having a very hard time concentrating right now BECAUSE IM SO EXCITED! I am like…giddy. AMEN! Our Father is so powerful! Thank you so much, Father, for giving me such amazing opportunities to hear your voice. Lord, I have heard You loud and clear, and I will forever know the sound of Your voice. I ask that the Holy Spirit guide and walk with me so that I do not stray from my walk with You. Father, I know you know the heaviness that weighs on my heart tonight, but the heaviness is not from a weight or burden that I haven’t asked you to carry, it’s a heaviness from my soul for the salvation of others. Again, Father, the heaviness is not a burden and I know it is in Your hands – can you please just show me what I can do, as Your child – Your masterpiece – Your ambassador – Father, lead me to do the work I need to do for You and Your kingdom! You have shown me grace and mercy in so many undeserving, dark times; you keep your promises, you are just. I want to reflect You, Father. Therefore, I will do for You what You ask of me. I only want Your will for my life. Whatever that may be, wherever it may lead me…I’m all in. In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

Wow, isn’t He just incredible!? Okay, back to the beginning…

“My Black Abyss” may be considered by others as depression. I have suffered from depression since I was 14 years old. It came out of nowhere and that’s when my spiritual warfare began. I don’t want to start listing all of my battles so I will skip to literally last week.

So there was something that happened recently that really pushed me down into the deep, deep depths of “My Black Abyss”.  I knew almost immediately but I was still a second too late. I slept for long periods of time, I didn’t do any of my OCD cleanings, I didn’t talk to my mother-in-law who I talk to a MINIMUM of every other day, and the most detrimental was when I noticed I didn’t feel like a person with a living being on the inside. I was hollow, an empty shell. When I feel hollow all of me disappears; me as a woman, mother, spouse, daughter, best friend, sister, aunt, niece, granddaughter, and a child of the Almighty. 

Even though I felt so empty I still read the daily verse that I see every single day. Perfect – like it always is when He is working – the verse (every day) was always exactly what I needed to read. It was always so indisputably perfect. [This all started on Tuesday last week, by the way, from Tuesday – Friday I was the same empty shell of a…thing.]

Saturday I saw improvement. I was surrounded by all of my children and my love. I actually smiled a lot and laughter always followed after. Sunday started out low but by the end of the day, I heard Him talking to me again. The Holy Spirit was busy (busy while the entire time I was a cicada shell).

Oh my goodness how I love the Spirit! Feel the emotion and passion I have behind my words, please. It is so amazing to feel His love, you guys. Wow. 

I was talking to my MIL later in the evening that day and she asked what had been wrong with me. She knows me too well and we talk to often for her to not notice that something was going on with me. She and I talk about our spiritual walks and we share and encourage each other. We cry, we laugh, we listen, we talk, and together we share the love we both have for the Lord. So yeah, she knew. I hadn’t talked to her in about 5 days. I needed to spill it so I did. After I was done talking she said something so impacting to me. The Spirit was definitely speaking through her. She said, “In your abyss, in your darkness, all alone is exactly where the enemy wants you.” And as she is walking away towards her car and I walk to mine, she says, “Don’t be alone, call me.” [something like that but the first quote was literally a quote and it was perfect] This was a reminder that I definitely needed. So you best believe that I started walking with the Lord immediately.

Its so important to pray the armor of God over yourself every single day. Protect yourselves from being able to be led astray – to the point where you don’t even realize you aren’t walking with Him anymore, like me. I don’t want to stray again, I want to continuously walk side by side, in His will. 

I had to be protected. Anyone who wants to have a relationship with the Lord needs to protect themselves from the fiery darts of the enemy. Satan doesnt really have to try and tear down those who dont desire a relationship with the Lord. I’ve been putting my armor on every day since. The difference is undeniable. So in the days since this past Sunday, I have been praying without ceasing, breaking strongholds, rebuilding my faith (which I didn’t even realize was even lacking until a Tuesday conversation with my MIL), rebuking Satans minions (demons) from their continuous lies and deceit, and overall just becoming and growing into the woman God created me to be.

Ahh, okay, here’s the big crazy cool part.

So tonight I was listening to a woman I follow, Lyn Leahz, have a conversation with two men about deciphering the code of Mystery Babylon with my Logan. So about maybe 10 minutes into the video the entire conversation and direction changes. Her and the guest, Paul McGuire, were completely overcome by the Holy Spirit and everything they said about the prophecies being fulfilled, their personal increased and intensified spiritual warfares, the spiritual battle happening around us at all times was mind blowing. They just talked about everything that I have been expressing to those closest to me! EV-UH-REE-THANG, everything, you guys!

When I first noticed it (and felt the Spirit) I started cheering them on like someone watching the Super Bowl. I was all like, “Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about” and many other phrases. But after a few minutes of cheerleading, I realized it was way deeper than that.

This was it. This was the affirmation – the green light, the “you’re not crazy, Kristen” – that I asked for. Not only was He revealing His truth to me, but He was also revealing it in front of my other half. This was very deep and personal for me, and for him, I believe. I won’t go into detail but I desperately wanted him to see that I wasn’t crazy talking or blowing smoke.

You would have to watch and listen to the video for yourselves to fully grasp and understand the depth I am speaking of but everything they expressed and explained is what I have been saying and expressing for MONTHS! It wasn’t just related in a similar way, the sentences they spoke were down to the same exact sentences my circle has been hearing me say non-stop. I burst like a water balloon. I couldn’t hold the tears back. I couldn’t ‘not‘ feel the Holy Spirit. Are you kidding me? lol. I sobbed and I thanked God for even talking to me, for being so merciful. The Spirit is so overwhelming that you can’t deny it. You just can’t. You just know when it’s the Spirit.

After a few more minutes of worship, Paul had asked if he could pray for Lyn and her listeners (me) and if we would all join in. I bowed my head and again the tears just flowed like a river. Not sad tears or upset tears, but tears of gratitude, thankfulness, repentance, and real, true, undeniable faith and love in our God. He is so real.

After battling these intense spiritual battles and expressing them to the people that I really want to hear me but don’t really feel like care or even listen, it’s amazing and just such a good feeling to know that I’m not alone in doing His work and that others out there  on the battle line just like I am.  I’m not empty or alone. I am full because the Spirit dwelleth in me and I am not alone because my Father is always with me. There are other people who are listening and walking with Him, too. There are so many other things that the Spirit did this past week that are just incredible and I will write about them separately.

I really felt a strong desire to write about this tonight. I had to. I just felt it. 

All of you reading this, He is so real and so loving. If you have continued reading this all the way till now, then maybe you have a desire to know more about Him, if you don’t already. If you doubt, just ask Him to show you He is real; show you how loving He is. Trust me, He will. 

If you are walking with Christ today and have been experiencing insane spiritual warfare and/or health problems, etc. please share your testimonies with me but preferably with everyone! The Bible isn’t a book that ended…we stopped writing, we stopped spreading His word and the work He does in our lives. Let’s get to it warriors!

Thank you all for reading and I hope that my testimony does the work of God wherever and in whoever will allow Him to work. Bless you, all!

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